There is almost nothing that gets me shaking in my shoes like intolerance. My need for and love of autonomy and self-expression are vital, breathing aspects of my being. When a person, institution or group refuses to acknowledge the FACT that individuals have unique life situations and a right to choose and express their perspectives, you can bet dogma is driving the boat.
I tend to be a moderate in almost every way (except when it comes to intolerance!). My need for respecting individuals and honoring inner wisdom trumps any idealistic version of reality that I encounter. I just don’t think there in one right way to do anything.
Lately, I have felt concerned about how much judgment I experience in the natural parenting philosophies. Often, we only think of dogma as a right-winged or conservative stick in the eye. But the truth is, you can find rigidity in almost any belief system when you encounter the extreme versions.
We have all seen it. A new mother feels alienated because she elected to have a Cesarean birth (for whatever reason; and is it really any of our business anyway?) or gets a snub from Attachment Parenting advocates because the family bed just does not work for her family. She is embarrassed to bottle feed her baby (even after trying for months to breastfeed) during a playgroup or scared to admit her son is getting vaccinations.
For a philosophy based on connection, a lot of separation is taking place.
There are so many positive, progressive and brilliant ideas in the natural parenting movement. But when it becomes a check list that leaves many feeling excluded from the club, it begins to feel a lot more like a religion than a philosophy that empowers parents. And it is so easy to get sucked in! The longing for a tribe, the natural desire to fit in, can leave some mamas feeling like they better toe the line (or hide the “indiscretions”) rather than follow their guts.
Mothering from the heart (your own heart) can often be a lonely place.
Here are the distinctions that are important to me when considering a parenting philosophy:
- Places the emphasis on connecting with a parent’s instincts and intuition
- Connects with what a family might already being doing skillfully
- Instills confidence and a sense of progress rather than guilt
- Honors the reality that each life situation is unique
- Offers versions or options rather than just one-way-fits-all
Feeling empowered to make choices, comfortable making mistakes, and welcomed to express an individual voice is the difference between having a vibrant, creative community and a line of robots offering up the Deutscher Gruß.
Great post, Savannah!
Oooh…and obscure (to me, who no schprecken) deusch! Amen, mama, amen!
i agree wholeheartedly… it’s so difficult to hear mamas feeling unnecessary guilt for not being _________ “enough”– i’m an advocate of gentleness, with our children, and also with ourselves… finding what works for each of us in our own unique family situations, and hope people can feel free to do this without judgement from others…
down with dogma in all of its guises! yay!
I just wandered onto this blog through a series of links and I think I will be a regular now. You captured the feeling I’ve had for a long time about the intolerance of “tolerance”. It’s a paradox, to be tolerant, you must tolerate the intolerant. Huh. I like your live and let live philosophy. We need more of that and less fascism of all kinds – are you still a liberal if you’re fascist about your liberalism???
Being a mom is tough and there are a lot of decisions to make, we all are just doing the best we can! No matter what we do, our kids will find reasons to resent us one day, right?
Hi there! I was looking for my old blog on-line, Mindful Mothering, and typed in the name of yours on accident… what a nice accident!
I couldn’t agree more with this post.
I have come to feel I don’t really have a tribe, but many individual friends… all friends because of their unique qualities. A tribe is an idealized fantasy. I have a family and friends. I understand the desire and need to feel like a person has a “group” of people to turn too, I just don’t personally experience that need.
My experience with group friendships have been that it is nearly impossible to not be sized up according to a nonspecific list of what’s important at any given interaction.
I’m at a point where elitism/dogmatism doesn’t offend me as much as it saddens me. It makes me want to educate the person stuck in that rut. Or even hug them. Especially when their anger is so transparent. Big step for me, it used to make me want to punch them in the eye.
Thanx for the great post, and I’m boo kmarking your blog. Keep writing!
[...] I want to reiterate my position on mothering: I believe that you as a mother know what is best for your precious babe and choices around issues [...]
Wow- fantastic post- I’ve gotten similar feelings about that unspoken checklist. I try to ignore the feelings, because even though I don’t cloth diaper or do EC, I still want to be friends with those who do. I try to remember that part of my feelings might be due to the fact that in an ideal world, I’d be a SAHM who did all those things and had a husband who also valued those things- I don’t! I’m very happy with my life, though, so I think that pushes me to continue to pursue friendships with moms who do things all different ways… When I feel bad about what I don’t do, I think about what I DO do, and all the fabulous things and people and activities I do have in my life…
I liked this quote from Peculiar Old Bird- “My experience with group friendships have been that it is nearly impossible to not be sized up according to a nonspecific list of what’s important at any given interaction.”- I DO think that we get sized up, but I think we also judge OURSELVES in relation to the group we are with… if we can judge ourselves less, I think we can see that maybe the others aren’t judging us as much as we think they are… and if they ARE judging you, well, they’re not a great group, and you have to learn from them what you want, but not expect full support and acceptance.