Mindfully Mothering

In my post last week about Sweet boy, I said this:

We can not protect our children from pain.

I truly believe this statement. It has taken me many years of guilt, striving, and lying to myself to get there. If you think you can protect your precious babes from the pain of the human experience, you are going to make yourself miserable. But the great question (and one asked below by a reader comment) is WHY?

Ugh! Why not??? This lesson will never take because I think we are genetically programmed to want to protect our children from pain. Their pain is my pain and it can’t be stopped. My oldest is almost 7 and I already sense that I am going to have to painfully re-live all the awkward years through her.

I never said you wouldn’t feel your child’s pain almost as if it where you own (or worse). I never said their pain would not bring up your own un-processed junk (hey, that is part of their job, right?) And I never said you won’t feel the urge in every bone in your body to shield them from pain.

What I did say is that in the end, you can not protect them from pain because if you do, you protect them from life.

We are here to live. From the moment we are born into this world, hopefully into the loving arms of our mother and family, we learn that life holds both great joy and great suffering. And the two are linked, arm in arm. In order to know one, you inevitably get to know the other. It is our birthright as human beings.

Please note: I am NOT suggesting you put your child in harm’s way or allow them to have experiences that are not developmentally or age-appropriate for them. Of course, as parents it is our responsibility to keep our children safe and teach them the skills necessary to survive in our culture. Neither am I advocating for a “life is hard, deal with it” approach.

I believe that we can mother our children with great tenderness and compassion and at the same time allow them to experience the growth than comes from encountering the world.

So, what happens when we try to protect our children from pain?

• We also protect them from becoming skillful and developing confidence
• We take away their ability to weigh the consequences of important choices
• We deny the fact that they are unique human beings and have their own paths

It begins so innocously. We offer the breast every time our babe is upset instead of supporting them in processing their feelings. We help our toddler with challenging tasks so that they won’t get frustrated instead of stepping back and allowing them victory after the 100th attempt. And then we are protecting them from certain friendships because we don’t want them to be disappointed or from trying a dangerous sport because we don’t want them to get hurt.

What is a parent to do instead?

• Be present and offer empathy (not advice!) when your child is experiencing challenges
• Let them know that you believe that they can find a solution and that you are available to help
• Trust their instincts, trust their interests, and trust the natural rhythms of learning
• Work through your own fears and hurts without projecting them on your child

Allowing our children to blossom into their own greatness can often be a terrifying journey for a parent. From the moment they are born, they are growing away from us. By trusting them to flourish under our loving guidance rather than our control, we are giving the world a beautiful gift: a whole, confident human being.