My dear friend Sparkle Mama (even when she is tired and frazzled, her light shines!) and I were having a conversation today about how challenging it is to give our children empathy when we ourselves are feeling frustrated.
And our littles always seem to pick the days that we have the most stress, the longest list and the shortest fuses to have their biggest fusses. They are such sensitive, intuitive beings!
In order to be present with the big feelings of these little people, we need empathy and acknowledgment for ourselves. In mothering circles you might have heard the line about the oxygen mask (put it on yourself first), but what is a mama to do when she is alone with her kids and there is no one immediately available to listen and acknowledge her in that moment?
Sparkle mama and I use the phone a lot for 911 empathy calls! We were joking today about how as mamas we need an empathy train, someone backing us up and filling us with support so that we can pass it on to our children. When I can’t get to the phone or I am just in the moment with my kids, here is my formula for self-empathy:
- Let myself feel all the rotten thoughts. Often as mamas who want to unconditionally parent our kids, we tend to stuff the frustrated feelings as if they are wrong. Giving myself permission to vent helps me move through my challenges much faster.
- Get in touch with my own needs. Marshall Rosenburg, creator of Non-violent Communication says that anger and violence ares just tragic expressions of un-met needs. Even if I can’t meet my need in the moment, just being clear about what it is and creating a strategy to meet it later makes a huge difference.
- Give myself a big dose of self-compassion. If I am having a hard time feeling compassion for myself, I just pretend that Sparkle mama is talking to me and imagine what she might say. Usually she says something really gentle and wise.
- Process my frustration later with a friend. If I find the stress hanging on, it generally means I need to have some listening to let go of the experience. Choosing a friend who truly listens (rather than tries to identify the issue with her own life or solve/fix my challenge) is key. I think every mama needs a listening buddy.
I think the empathy train is a basic human need. We all need a car or two of support backing us up!
